so what

So I was going to post my tirade about why I don't like literary criticism, but I didn't feel like it. This came out instead.

I spend a lot of time wishing everything were different.
Often, I wish...
That I had clear goals and ambition.
That I had a sort of all-consuming passion for something.
That I weren't afraid of strangers.
That I could go into a new situation without shaking from nervousness.
That I were in love.
That I were full of energy & eagerness to take on the world.
That I did not constantly worry about things that are impossible to change.
That I could stay a child, or a teenager.
That I had musical talent.
That I would never have to worry about money.
That I had some kind of strong faith.
That people were immortal.
That I could be guaranteed a fun job with good pay and insurance when I get out of college, instead of feeling like I will probably have to live in a cardboard box, or at least scrape by in a tiny apartment on the salary from a boring job.

Well, I was thinking about this, then something kind of whispered to me, "Screw it." Screw the pointless longing for things that I can't change. In the past, the fact of not being able to change something has only been a cause for more worry. If I can change something, I don't worry about it because I say, "Well, I can always fix it later, no big deal." But if it's impossible to change, I worry about it because one thing I hate is inevitability.

But you know... So what if I don't know how to play the violin. So what if I'm not in love. So what if I'm not immortal. So what if I don't have a list of definite goals. So what if I get nervous easily. So what if I'm not guaranteed wealth, fame, or success. Big fucking deal. If there were guarantees, no one would ever do anything. They would sit around all day and wait for everything to be handed to them... because they would know it would happen. Didn't I say that I hated inevitability?

I want to try to learn to love & accept the questions, and the possibility that there may not be any answers. I want to love the journey, the ride, the finding stuff out and screwing stuff up. And I'll never find anything out if I don't do things. I haven't really done anything in a long time. What to do? I guess I can't plan... but just be open to possibilities.

Since high school ended, I've felt my mind slowly closing in. I don't mean that I'm conservative or closeminded in regards to lifestyles or political issues... Just that I've closed my own world in. I've told myself that things are impossible. I've imagined a future for myself that I dread, and then I send myself in a panic by trying to think of ways to get out of this imagined future. Well, screw that too. I'm going to tell my negative devil voice to shut up, and I will start living.