Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
reflection
I started reading this blog's old entries tonight because I was feeling bored and too lazy to really do much. But it ended up being interesting. I started exactly a year ago, last January, and met a rush of memories about how depressed I was then. Being happy now, that sadness was something I didn't want to remember. That depression still feels like something waiting to come out of the past and swallow me, even though I know it's not true.
The really interesting thing was looking at how I wrote so much about being aimless. Not having concrete goals, not knowing what to do with my life and feeling stagnant all the time. Now, I haven't suddenly developed definite ambitions and I still don't know what to do with my life in the sense of having a place I want to be in so many years, what I want to be doing for a job, etc. But I'm okay with that now. And I didn't even really realize that until I read the old entries and realized that it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't feel stagnant now, I actually feel like there's just an opening of possibilities, that wouldn't be there if I were interested in precisely planning my life (or even the next few years).
The boyfriend has had a positive influence on me in this way because he has a worry-free attitude of living in the present. The other night I was talking to him about how I get worried about college ending, and he said, "The future is worth thinking about, worth planning for, but not worth worrying about," and told me to just focus on now: junior year. Instead of jumping ahead of myself to next year when it's not time. He also has a philosophy that now is forever; don't dwell on the past or the future. I used to live primarily in the past, in fear of the future, not noticing the present. But now I think I'm learning to live in the present.
Then I felt this warm feeling of being glad for now, that I'm different from how I was this time last year, exponentially happier.
The really interesting thing was looking at how I wrote so much about being aimless. Not having concrete goals, not knowing what to do with my life and feeling stagnant all the time. Now, I haven't suddenly developed definite ambitions and I still don't know what to do with my life in the sense of having a place I want to be in so many years, what I want to be doing for a job, etc. But I'm okay with that now. And I didn't even really realize that until I read the old entries and realized that it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't feel stagnant now, I actually feel like there's just an opening of possibilities, that wouldn't be there if I were interested in precisely planning my life (or even the next few years).
The boyfriend has had a positive influence on me in this way because he has a worry-free attitude of living in the present. The other night I was talking to him about how I get worried about college ending, and he said, "The future is worth thinking about, worth planning for, but not worth worrying about," and told me to just focus on now: junior year. Instead of jumping ahead of myself to next year when it's not time. He also has a philosophy that now is forever; don't dwell on the past or the future. I used to live primarily in the past, in fear of the future, not noticing the present. But now I think I'm learning to live in the present.
Then I felt this warm feeling of being glad for now, that I'm different from how I was this time last year, exponentially happier.
some academia etc
There's a week left of winter break and I don't want it to end yet. I've been spending it in a rather idyllic way. Spending time with the boy and with friends, reading, lazing around on the internet, listening to music... I definitely don't feel like being tossed back into school life.
But I shouldn't complain because next semester looks like one of my easiest. I discovered that I only need 38 more credits to graduate, which means four classes each remaining semester instead of the usual five (or, in the case of last fall's temporary insanity, six). Then I'll just have to pick up a couple more credits; maybe I'll do an independent study. I've never just taken four classes in a semester before and I'm looking forward to the lightened workload. Two of them are creative writing classes, which are so much fun that they hardly seem like classes.
Also I realized that, after this semester, I only need one more class to finish my English major. Whoa. I'll probably just keep taking English classes, but it will be nice not to have any required classes left. I'll be able to take a lot of creative writing classes instead of literary theory and all. I'm feeling a bit edgy about being a second-semester college junior, though. Next year I'll be a senior, then I'll have to think about scary stuff like what to do after college... about which I am clueless. But I am trying not to think about that now and just focus on enjoying the present.
But I shouldn't complain because next semester looks like one of my easiest. I discovered that I only need 38 more credits to graduate, which means four classes each remaining semester instead of the usual five (or, in the case of last fall's temporary insanity, six). Then I'll just have to pick up a couple more credits; maybe I'll do an independent study. I've never just taken four classes in a semester before and I'm looking forward to the lightened workload. Two of them are creative writing classes, which are so much fun that they hardly seem like classes.
Also I realized that, after this semester, I only need one more class to finish my English major. Whoa. I'll probably just keep taking English classes, but it will be nice not to have any required classes left. I'll be able to take a lot of creative writing classes instead of literary theory and all. I'm feeling a bit edgy about being a second-semester college junior, though. Next year I'll be a senior, then I'll have to think about scary stuff like what to do after college... about which I am clueless. But I am trying not to think about that now and just focus on enjoying the present.
Monday, January 5, 2009
new year's survey
As a return to blogging I present some New Year's introspection.
What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
- Dated more than I did before. In April I dated a frat boy briefly, which was dumb because he was an ass, then in October I dated another jerk. But then, in November, I found a wonderful boy who is kind, considerate, bookish, and as weird as me! He's my boyfriend now and I am so happy.
- Was a bridesmaid - one of my best friends Justine got married in October. It was odd that a close friend of mine, whom I've known since I was 7, got married, but I'm very happy for her and her new husband of course.
- Got drunk. I was tipsy at the wedding, but then the day before Election Day I went to a party on campus with another best friend, Nikki, and got ridiculously drunk. It was fairly fun at the time but the next day was dreadful and I decided that I had previously decided not to drink for a reason; so I remain most definitely not a partier.
- Voted in the presidential election. It was very exciting to stay up and watch the news coverage and then when they announced that Obama won, I was more excited than I thought I would be. I've never been very political, and I'm skeptical of anyone who promises Change and all but I couldn't help but hope that Obama will fix things.
- Got recognition in college for my writing. In the spring I won second place in the English department's short story contest and an honorable mention in the poetry contest, which I guess is a bigger deal than I thought it was!
- Got more involved in the English department at school, and managed to leave anonymity behind. Woohoo. A lot of the English professors know me now or recognized my name after the writing contest. This last semester I had two awesome creative writing professors, one poetry and one fiction, who got to know me and have been really helpful and supportive.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
This is what I wrote for resolutions last year:
For this year, I'm not going to make resolutions so much as intentions & hopes...
- Submit writings for publication
- Finish my short story collection
- Write & create regularly
- Be surrounded by inspiration
- Get the tattoo I have been thinking about for a long long time (a phoenix)
- Make life happy & beautiful for myself and others in whatever ways I can
- Create hope from lost things
I didn't submit anything for publication, and I didn't finish the short story collection. I didn't get the tattoo. I suppose I did write and create regularly, at least this fall because I was in two creative writing classes. So I suppose it wasn't too bad of a year for creativity.
As for the last two resolutions of last year, maybe. I'm happier now than I was last year, at least.
For next year, I'm not going to make resolutions. Just possibilities. Things I might want:
- Sometime in the not-far future, I would like to move out. I get along with my parents, but I feel like I really want to earn some independence and start learning how to make my own way in the world and whatnot. I have no idea how this could happen before I graduate. Even tiny apartments in questionable neighborhoods are fairly expensive around here, and I don't know if I could hold a full-time job while remaining a full-time student. Also I would rather live by myself than with a roommate; I like my space. It doesn't look promising this year, but maybe I'll find a way.
- Next fall I'm going to start my senior year in college and I'm scared. I still do not know at all what I want to do for a job. Maybe I will apply to grad school? I thought of going for an MFA in fiction. But I'm not sure if I really want to do it, or if I only want to do it because it's a way of avoiding entering the real world. So I guess, I hope I'll figure something out.
Did someone close to you give birth?
Yes, my cousin Jen had a baby in May. His name is Noah.
Did someone close to you pass away?
No.
What countries did you visit?
I went to Canada in the summer, to Quebec City. It was my third time going there and I loved it.
What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Less cynicism, less anxiety and worrying, the ability to just be happy and enjoy life without worrying that the bottom is going to drop out.
What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 4, Justine's wedding.
November 20, the day Taylor and I got together.
What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Winning the writing contest was pretty cool. Also, finding a real, loving relationship after so many disappointments.
What was your biggest failure(s)?
I don't particularly believe in failure. There was a time when I started to feel like a failure because of my distinct lack of definite ambitions, non-involvement in school activities outside of class and blahblahblah. I really had this awful time when I felt like my life was stuck, not going anywhere and I was desperate to escape and do anything. Going back to school made things better and things have greatly improved since then. But oh well, I don't really think I'm a failure at all.
What was the best thing you bought?
Don't know. I got people some cool Christmas gifts. For myself, I bought some nice clothes and books mostly.
Where did most of your money go?
I spent crapload of money on clothes. It was ridiculous. Especially in the summer when I was bored out of my mind, I just went shopping. I'm regretting it now.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New boyfriend. ^^ Writing contest. Trip to Quebec.
What song will always remind you of 2008?
For last fall, the Shins album Oh, Inverted World, some Fratellis songs... last winter Patrick Wolf...
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
A LOT happier. This time last year, I was a bit of an emotional wreck. My favorite aunt had recently died and other than that I was in this state of dissatisfaction, and I was just really, really sad. Right now I am happier than I have been in a long, long time.
What do you wish you'd done more of?
I feel like I should have done more achievement-things or ambition-things, like looking for an internship instead of putting it off, or joining the school's new literary magazine or something. I'm just so lazy when it comes to that stuff. I often beat myself up for my lack of drive, but then I don't do anything about it. Oh well.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying.
Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes.
What was your favorite TV program?
It remains Gilmore Girls even though the series ended. I don't really watch TV that much.
What was the best book you read?
Can't decide. I don't even remember all that I read this year. But it must have been a lot. From last semester, I really liked Waterland by Graham Swift which I read for school. And I recently read Neil Gaiman's American Gods which was awesome. But I can't pick a "best."
What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Shins, I suppose. I had only heard a few of their songs before but this year I got more into them and now own two albums.
What did you want and get?
Love. The relationship I've always wanted.
What did you want and not get?
Um, I suppose a sudden lightning bolt of knowledge about what I want to do with my life. Still clueless in that department.
Favorite film of this year?
I never remember what came out. I don't go to the movies that much.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On September 12, I turned twenty. On my actual birthday I had to go to someone else's birthday party, haha. It was my aunt's. But I had a little birthday celebration with my parents and they gave me what remains one of my favorite items of clothing - a faux leather motorcycle jacket by Silence & Noise. Then that weekend I had the annual birthday adventure with my best friends & my mom. It's a tradition that's been going on since I was fourteen - we always take a mini-road-trip to somewhere interesting, my friend Kadie makes me a giant birthday cookie and we just explore and hang around. This year we went to Cambridge and browsed around shops, had lunch, and ate the birthday cookie of course.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Weirdly I put a lot of thought into clothes this year. I started dressing in I guess a classier way than I used to, but still with odd or offbeat touches. All autumn and winter I've been loving cold weather fashion. I've amassed a ridiculous collection of boots, scarves, jackets...
What kept you sane?
My friends, recently, my boyfriend, books and school and my awesome writing professors.
Who do you miss?
Auntie Janice the most.
I also miss having Justine around since she and her husband moved to Maine after the wedding.
Who was the best new person you met?
Well my boyfriend. I know I've been writing about him all the time but I can't help it. He is excellent. When we first met we would stay up late talking about all kinds of random things, for example: philosophy, the flaws in the education system, the degradation of the vampire figure in modern books, writing processes, on and on and on. We just connect in a way that is difficult to explain, but amazing. Sometimes we'll just sit on his couch under a blanket and read different books for hours, not even talking, but there's still always that connection. Not to mention I'm crazily in love with him.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
DON'T DATE ASSHOLES. Heheh. No, really. I learned that. Don't waste your time on jerks; wait for a good one instead.
Also, I suppose, you have to work to change your state of mind if it's not a good state. Like me, I'm very anxiety-prone and always worrying. So I can't just expect that to stop. I have to make a conscious effort to tell myself to stop and that everything's okay.
A quote that sums up your year:
kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
- e. e. cummings
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Just one line I think does it.
"Now after all these years you are at last opening..."
- Patrick Wolf, Overture
What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
- Dated more than I did before. In April I dated a frat boy briefly, which was dumb because he was an ass, then in October I dated another jerk. But then, in November, I found a wonderful boy who is kind, considerate, bookish, and as weird as me! He's my boyfriend now and I am so happy.
- Was a bridesmaid - one of my best friends Justine got married in October. It was odd that a close friend of mine, whom I've known since I was 7, got married, but I'm very happy for her and her new husband of course.
- Got drunk. I was tipsy at the wedding, but then the day before Election Day I went to a party on campus with another best friend, Nikki, and got ridiculously drunk. It was fairly fun at the time but the next day was dreadful and I decided that I had previously decided not to drink for a reason; so I remain most definitely not a partier.
- Voted in the presidential election. It was very exciting to stay up and watch the news coverage and then when they announced that Obama won, I was more excited than I thought I would be. I've never been very political, and I'm skeptical of anyone who promises Change and all but I couldn't help but hope that Obama will fix things.
- Got recognition in college for my writing. In the spring I won second place in the English department's short story contest and an honorable mention in the poetry contest, which I guess is a bigger deal than I thought it was!
- Got more involved in the English department at school, and managed to leave anonymity behind. Woohoo. A lot of the English professors know me now or recognized my name after the writing contest. This last semester I had two awesome creative writing professors, one poetry and one fiction, who got to know me and have been really helpful and supportive.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
This is what I wrote for resolutions last year:
For this year, I'm not going to make resolutions so much as intentions & hopes...
- Submit writings for publication
- Finish my short story collection
- Write & create regularly
- Be surrounded by inspiration
- Get the tattoo I have been thinking about for a long long time (a phoenix)
- Make life happy & beautiful for myself and others in whatever ways I can
- Create hope from lost things
I didn't submit anything for publication, and I didn't finish the short story collection. I didn't get the tattoo. I suppose I did write and create regularly, at least this fall because I was in two creative writing classes. So I suppose it wasn't too bad of a year for creativity.
As for the last two resolutions of last year, maybe. I'm happier now than I was last year, at least.
For next year, I'm not going to make resolutions. Just possibilities. Things I might want:
- Sometime in the not-far future, I would like to move out. I get along with my parents, but I feel like I really want to earn some independence and start learning how to make my own way in the world and whatnot. I have no idea how this could happen before I graduate. Even tiny apartments in questionable neighborhoods are fairly expensive around here, and I don't know if I could hold a full-time job while remaining a full-time student. Also I would rather live by myself than with a roommate; I like my space. It doesn't look promising this year, but maybe I'll find a way.
- Next fall I'm going to start my senior year in college and I'm scared. I still do not know at all what I want to do for a job. Maybe I will apply to grad school? I thought of going for an MFA in fiction. But I'm not sure if I really want to do it, or if I only want to do it because it's a way of avoiding entering the real world. So I guess, I hope I'll figure something out.
Did someone close to you give birth?
Yes, my cousin Jen had a baby in May. His name is Noah.
Did someone close to you pass away?
No.
What countries did you visit?
I went to Canada in the summer, to Quebec City. It was my third time going there and I loved it.
What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Less cynicism, less anxiety and worrying, the ability to just be happy and enjoy life without worrying that the bottom is going to drop out.
What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 4, Justine's wedding.
November 20, the day Taylor and I got together.
What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Winning the writing contest was pretty cool. Also, finding a real, loving relationship after so many disappointments.
What was your biggest failure(s)?
I don't particularly believe in failure. There was a time when I started to feel like a failure because of my distinct lack of definite ambitions, non-involvement in school activities outside of class and blahblahblah. I really had this awful time when I felt like my life was stuck, not going anywhere and I was desperate to escape and do anything. Going back to school made things better and things have greatly improved since then. But oh well, I don't really think I'm a failure at all.
What was the best thing you bought?
Don't know. I got people some cool Christmas gifts. For myself, I bought some nice clothes and books mostly.
Where did most of your money go?
I spent crapload of money on clothes. It was ridiculous. Especially in the summer when I was bored out of my mind, I just went shopping. I'm regretting it now.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New boyfriend. ^^ Writing contest. Trip to Quebec.
What song will always remind you of 2008?
For last fall, the Shins album Oh, Inverted World, some Fratellis songs... last winter Patrick Wolf...
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
A LOT happier. This time last year, I was a bit of an emotional wreck. My favorite aunt had recently died and other than that I was in this state of dissatisfaction, and I was just really, really sad. Right now I am happier than I have been in a long, long time.
What do you wish you'd done more of?
I feel like I should have done more achievement-things or ambition-things, like looking for an internship instead of putting it off, or joining the school's new literary magazine or something. I'm just so lazy when it comes to that stuff. I often beat myself up for my lack of drive, but then I don't do anything about it. Oh well.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying.
Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes.
What was your favorite TV program?
It remains Gilmore Girls even though the series ended. I don't really watch TV that much.
What was the best book you read?
Can't decide. I don't even remember all that I read this year. But it must have been a lot. From last semester, I really liked Waterland by Graham Swift which I read for school. And I recently read Neil Gaiman's American Gods which was awesome. But I can't pick a "best."
What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Shins, I suppose. I had only heard a few of their songs before but this year I got more into them and now own two albums.
What did you want and get?
Love. The relationship I've always wanted.
What did you want and not get?
Um, I suppose a sudden lightning bolt of knowledge about what I want to do with my life. Still clueless in that department.
Favorite film of this year?
I never remember what came out. I don't go to the movies that much.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On September 12, I turned twenty. On my actual birthday I had to go to someone else's birthday party, haha. It was my aunt's. But I had a little birthday celebration with my parents and they gave me what remains one of my favorite items of clothing - a faux leather motorcycle jacket by Silence & Noise. Then that weekend I had the annual birthday adventure with my best friends & my mom. It's a tradition that's been going on since I was fourteen - we always take a mini-road-trip to somewhere interesting, my friend Kadie makes me a giant birthday cookie and we just explore and hang around. This year we went to Cambridge and browsed around shops, had lunch, and ate the birthday cookie of course.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Weirdly I put a lot of thought into clothes this year. I started dressing in I guess a classier way than I used to, but still with odd or offbeat touches. All autumn and winter I've been loving cold weather fashion. I've amassed a ridiculous collection of boots, scarves, jackets...
What kept you sane?
My friends, recently, my boyfriend, books and school and my awesome writing professors.
Who do you miss?
Auntie Janice the most.
I also miss having Justine around since she and her husband moved to Maine after the wedding.
Who was the best new person you met?
Well my boyfriend. I know I've been writing about him all the time but I can't help it. He is excellent. When we first met we would stay up late talking about all kinds of random things, for example: philosophy, the flaws in the education system, the degradation of the vampire figure in modern books, writing processes, on and on and on. We just connect in a way that is difficult to explain, but amazing. Sometimes we'll just sit on his couch under a blanket and read different books for hours, not even talking, but there's still always that connection. Not to mention I'm crazily in love with him.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
DON'T DATE ASSHOLES. Heheh. No, really. I learned that. Don't waste your time on jerks; wait for a good one instead.
Also, I suppose, you have to work to change your state of mind if it's not a good state. Like me, I'm very anxiety-prone and always worrying. So I can't just expect that to stop. I have to make a conscious effort to tell myself to stop and that everything's okay.
A quote that sums up your year:
kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
- e. e. cummings
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Just one line I think does it.
"Now after all these years you are at last opening..."
- Patrick Wolf, Overture
Friday, November 7, 2008
stuck, stuck, stuck
Here I am feeling broken again. It snuck up on me and then another heartbreak pushed me over the edge. Damn it. It's a pain that has to do with watching other people's lives change & improve and feeling like mine is stagnant, like somewhere I just fucked up and now I've got this stuck feeling. I'm sick of staying at home, sick of being disappointed and still single, just sick and tired of things.
There's been a depression around the edges for the past year. Exactly one year ago today, my Auntie Janice died. Around this time of night, too. Today I bought a white candle and I'm going to light it later, since I feel like I have do something. I know my parents are thinking about it, but not saying anything (the style of our family).
And there's just my kind of tendency toward melancholy, but desperate desire to be happy. And, you know, the old anxiety problem.
I've just wanted someone to make things better, fix my messy self, not even fix it necessarily, just tell me it's okay, just be there. So whenever a guy comes along, I think maybe he'll be the one to do that. And all of them, they're not there, they just disappear. They end up thinking I'm a crazy bitch, I'm overeager, I'm needy, I'm clingy. What the fuck. I'm sick of it!!!
I've learned a lot, I guess... Like how it's easier to find a guy to go home with than it is to find one who will return your phone calls. Greek letters = not a good sign, generally. Half-drunk/stoned kisses on sea cliffs don't mean as much as you think they did. If he likes you, he shouldn't forget about you. etc.
I've found a lot of short-term cures for this ... not exactly depressed, just stuck feeling. Including but not limited to: long drives, loud music, plans, shoe shopping, schoolwork, vodka...
But what's the permanent cure? How can I get better, how can I change?
There's been a depression around the edges for the past year. Exactly one year ago today, my Auntie Janice died. Around this time of night, too. Today I bought a white candle and I'm going to light it later, since I feel like I have do something. I know my parents are thinking about it, but not saying anything (the style of our family).
And there's just my kind of tendency toward melancholy, but desperate desire to be happy. And, you know, the old anxiety problem.
I've just wanted someone to make things better, fix my messy self, not even fix it necessarily, just tell me it's okay, just be there. So whenever a guy comes along, I think maybe he'll be the one to do that. And all of them, they're not there, they just disappear. They end up thinking I'm a crazy bitch, I'm overeager, I'm needy, I'm clingy. What the fuck. I'm sick of it!!!
I've learned a lot, I guess... Like how it's easier to find a guy to go home with than it is to find one who will return your phone calls. Greek letters = not a good sign, generally. Half-drunk/stoned kisses on sea cliffs don't mean as much as you think they did. If he likes you, he shouldn't forget about you. etc.
I've found a lot of short-term cures for this ... not exactly depressed, just stuck feeling. Including but not limited to: long drives, loud music, plans, shoe shopping, schoolwork, vodka...
But what's the permanent cure? How can I get better, how can I change?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
all souls' day
Recovering from Halloween - I woke up in the afternoon to a cold, golden-grey All Souls' Day. The scent of firelight and rich smoke lingers on my clothes, a faint aftertaste of intoxication in my mouth.
We scrambled through the woods by flashlight-beams, arrived at a bonfire on the edge of the night. Someone dressed as a pirate stood over the blaze like the leader of a ritual, smashing an empty bottle of wine over the rocks. A bunch of people ran up and threw glowsticks into the clearing, which stuck in the ground, neon markers in the darkness. The ones that broke open spilled over the leaves and brambles and dirt, glowing specks of color looking like scattered stars. Above the fire and the trees, the deep Halloween-veil of the sky was the same as the ground, cold clear stars shining brighter than anywhere else.
We checked cellphone clocks to see if it was still Halloween, but midnight had passed. "It's November," I said, almost reverently, imagining that the space-between-worlds had already shrunk. "Don't worry," said H with saucer-eyes, "it's Samhain."
K was wearing tin-foil antennae and kept saying she was from Neptune, where it's colder even than Halloween night. E left the bonfire and stumbled over rocks and roots to get back to the house, and when she sobered up told us never to let her do that again - "I couldn't stop thinking about coyotes." R was wearing a feather boa as a scarf as he slowly sipped another beer, sitting on one of the bonfire-rocks and talking in an even, reassuring voice. The rest of them were haphazard, woodland boys and girls with specks of neon on their clothes, talking and mumbling, laughing as the flames leapt up.
Halloween night was an enchanted place, a strange one, unsettling at first but then beautiful. Webby darkness and the pinpoints of stars, sharp smells and leaves rustling, rustling.
We scrambled through the woods by flashlight-beams, arrived at a bonfire on the edge of the night. Someone dressed as a pirate stood over the blaze like the leader of a ritual, smashing an empty bottle of wine over the rocks. A bunch of people ran up and threw glowsticks into the clearing, which stuck in the ground, neon markers in the darkness. The ones that broke open spilled over the leaves and brambles and dirt, glowing specks of color looking like scattered stars. Above the fire and the trees, the deep Halloween-veil of the sky was the same as the ground, cold clear stars shining brighter than anywhere else.
We checked cellphone clocks to see if it was still Halloween, but midnight had passed. "It's November," I said, almost reverently, imagining that the space-between-worlds had already shrunk. "Don't worry," said H with saucer-eyes, "it's Samhain."
K was wearing tin-foil antennae and kept saying she was from Neptune, where it's colder even than Halloween night. E left the bonfire and stumbled over rocks and roots to get back to the house, and when she sobered up told us never to let her do that again - "I couldn't stop thinking about coyotes." R was wearing a feather boa as a scarf as he slowly sipped another beer, sitting on one of the bonfire-rocks and talking in an even, reassuring voice. The rest of them were haphazard, woodland boys and girls with specks of neon on their clothes, talking and mumbling, laughing as the flames leapt up.
Halloween night was an enchanted place, a strange one, unsettling at first but then beautiful. Webby darkness and the pinpoints of stars, sharp smells and leaves rustling, rustling.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
almost-birthday letter to the universe
Dear everything,
Today is my last day of being a teenager. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be twenty! Such an even number, kind of a clean slate too. Twenty can be anything I want it to be, and I want it to be wonderful.
So thank you, universe, for my teenage years. They were haphazard and messy and beautiful and flyaway, laughter and yelling and each birthday adventure, friends and memories and travels and joys, loves and hurts and intoxications, enchantments and glories and everything else... Learning... There's too much to describe just here, but I've spilled it all over other papers. I think being a teenager is excellent in all its messiness.
Not that I will be put-together and all now that I am (almost) twenty. I look at twenty as a time for beginning to figure things out, for taking the glorious beautiful mess of the teenage years and making something amazing with it.
Thank you thank you thank you
Love,
Laura
Today is my last day of being a teenager. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be twenty! Such an even number, kind of a clean slate too. Twenty can be anything I want it to be, and I want it to be wonderful.
So thank you, universe, for my teenage years. They were haphazard and messy and beautiful and flyaway, laughter and yelling and each birthday adventure, friends and memories and travels and joys, loves and hurts and intoxications, enchantments and glories and everything else... Learning... There's too much to describe just here, but I've spilled it all over other papers. I think being a teenager is excellent in all its messiness.
Not that I will be put-together and all now that I am (almost) twenty. I look at twenty as a time for beginning to figure things out, for taking the glorious beautiful mess of the teenage years and making something amazing with it.
Thank you thank you thank you
Love,
Laura
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