The Future?

I think it would be really great to live with passion. Passion for an art or a way of life or an idea or a job or whatever. Usually, I am too indecisive to be passionate. How can you have enough time to fall in love with something when you spend every moment thinking, "Well, I could do this, but what if after time I don't like it anymore? Maybe I should do this instead? But there are approximately 15.2 ways in which I could screw it up..."

It's my instinct to contemplate every way in which something could go wrong, draft solutions for all possible outcomes, and question everything before it has a chance to turn out badly. A huge question in everything I do is also, "Is it worth the risk or the terror?"

For instance, to me, talking to people I don't know (especially if they are my age or close) is absolutely terrifying. I'm socially inept. Just the idea of trying to make "small talk" (aka, torture) fills me with dread and anxiety. So I have to carefully weigh whether it will be worth it before I talk to a stranger. Sometimes I don't have a choice, like when cruel professors decide that Group Work is a good thing. But if it's up to me to make the choice, I carefully weigh whether it will be beneficial enough to talk to the person, spend time crafting what I am going to say by scanning through the script in my head, etc. etc.

But that's not really my point. It's The Future that is my point. One of my biggest fears is having a nothing life. Getting stuck in a boring, soul-crushing job, only being happy on the weekends, and basically wasting my life. AHHH! But how to avoid this?! An obvious answer is... Work for myself! Do something creative and artistic! And the most obvious choice out of things artistic is writing, because I've done more of it than other kinds of art and thus have more practice.

But this is where the indecision comes in. I can't seem to commit to writing. I have always had a hard time falling in love with writing. I do like it awfully a lot... but I wish I were passionate about it. I haven't written anything but blog posts in months and months because the thought of working on a short story or something has given me that heavy, grudging, "no" feeling. Grarr! And if I spend such long periods of time NOT enjoying writing, how could I make a living from it? And the lifestyle of being a writer (working where you live, no boss, no set hours, ability to work ANYWHERE, time to travel the world) often seems better than the actual craft of writing. I wish I loved the craft and not just the result.

Sometimes I think it would be awesome to just stay a little kid.