jealousy and infatuation

Often, for me, attraction is a sign of jealousy. Countless times I have liked a boy because he had some quality or characteristic that I lack and that I want.

Around the tenth and eleventh grades, I had a thing for the theatre guys at school. I envied their confidence and ease onstage and offstage, and their talent. Attraction can also be a sign of feeling that I have something to prove. For the first couple years of high school, most people seemed to think that I was a shy, meek, boring person. So I thought, if I had a boyfriend who was one of the confident, talented, popular theatre guys, then that would show everyone that I wasn't quiet and dull.

In that last failed relationship, he had comfort and security, when I was feeling lost and disappointed. But then I grew to hate that reliance on comfort.

Last autumn when the art fair boy with the lip ring seemed to really like me, I had this feeling like I had achieved something, or that I was worth something. Those kinds of boys - who look kind of rebellious and all - are the boys I tend to be attracted to. So the fact that one of them actually liked me back made me feel like I had finally overcome the leftover middle-school / high-school image of myself as quiet, complacent, conservative, a pushover... I also thought something along the lines of, "Wouldn't it be awesome if this boy could be my boyfriend. That would show the people at work who think I'm shy / my ex-boyfriend / all the voices from the past."

And of course, whenever I get rejected by one of these boys, I feel horrible, like I'm not worth anything, like I will always just be the awkward thing in the corner, like I will be stuck as "the shy girl." If someone who seems so interesting, talented, gorgeous, sexy, etc. does not like me, I feel like I will never possess any of these qualities.

I usually get infatuated with boys who are: confident, talented in some art - especially music, outside the mainstream... Often this infatuation translates into jealousy because the qualities that I am attracted to in them are qualities that I feel I am missing. I'm not very confident. I don't know how to play any musical instruments. I often doubt my ability as a writer or artistic type.

I also always, always feel like I have something to prove. To everyone. It's probably the residual effects of being badly teased in elementary school & middle school, and just the leftover low self-esteem from being branded with the image of the boring pushover while I was growing up.

On another note... I know that it is love, not infatuation, when I do not feel like the person I am in love with possesses something that will fix me, or complete me, or make me look good to others. When it's love, it's a feeling of deep appreciation for the other person, with no aim toward personal gain or proving anything to others. It's a private world. I've never been in a relationship with love, though, and that makes me pretty sad.

Anyway, my point is, that this has to stop. I have to stop defining myself by envying others, and then feeling terrible about myself when they show no interest in me. I do not have to have a confident, individualistic, creative boyfriend in order to prove to the world that I am confident, individualistic, and creative.

I'll get my own confidence instead of parasitically living off of theirs.

In short: if he's not interested, fuck it. Too bad for him. I'll get my own pair of motorcycle boots and my own (faux) leather jacket.