laws of attraction

BACKSTORY: With mainly one thing on my mind, but a reluctance to sink into the pathetic-ness of writing "love poetry" about someone I don't even know... I decided to write something about all those boys I've ever liked or loved. Hmm. I hope it's not awkward. All except the last are reflections on feelings of the past... Names omitted to protect the innocent or not-so-innocent! ^-^

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It was Halloween when I fell for the boy who sat next to me in ninth-grade French class. He gave me some of the candy his friends had sent him because I hadn't gotten any. I listened to Ayumi Hamasaki on the bus ride home and felt electric. For months I agonized about this boy, an actor, the boy with the marble-swirl eyes. He didn't care at all. To my first crush of high school: Because of you I asked a boy out for the first time. Sugarsweet candy hangovers and J-pop will always remind me of you.

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Sophomore homecoming I learned what it is like to want a slow dance to go on and on. To that flash of a feeling and one almost-date: Because of you I learned how to wish and later how to steal back my wishes.

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Another day in eleventh grade in the musty afterschool auditorium. I, the timid director's assistant, and he, the strong charismatic stage manager. One winter day the starlight lay thick on the snow and a frosted moon hung high up above. It was only us, alone in the hallway in front of the auditorium, waiting for our rides. Without his many friends, without my many insecurities. So we talked. I threw a snowball at him. The crescent moon glimmered. To the actor with the beautiful voice: Because of you I learned when not to ask a boy out and when to start a conversation. Snowy moonlight and the auditorium smell still make me think of you.

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The last months of twelfth grade flaming toward graduation. The hot creative writing classroom, the weeks of warm summer rain, the red platypus. Flowers. Sun and wind on the lawn. The last dance when the world burst into color. Running through white hallways in Boston. Staying up all night and the sliver of quiet summer sunlight through Maddie's kitchen window. With my hand on the quick excited pulse of May, I got lost on the way to your house. To one of my best friends: I am so happy for you.

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Eighteen and the seashore and the chocolate cake. A year of comfort, hanging on when exuberance and spinning hope fell through. The dark windows and the towtruck. Giving chances and taking too much. Too much. That year I lost myself a little, and finding myself again hurt because I had to look where I didn't want to go... And when I admitted the truth to myself, I had to say goodbye to him. To the kindhearted boy: Because of you I found out more of what I want. I spent a year cocooned in safety, then clawed out and cried till I was hoarse. And then I got my voice back.

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Nineteen in October and when I met him I walked down the autumn sidewalk, I crunched leaves and breathed turning-to-cold air. We brushed hands, he walked past me, he looked, I looked. I smiled, stepped forward, and swallowed the sunset. Hello hello. He had a lip ring, a Pomeranian, a faux-hawk and a beautiful smile. He sold statuary near the white fence. The most beautiful autumn day ever. To the bicycle spirograph boy who never called me back: Because of you I realized there is always new possibility in unexpected places. The smell of cigarette smoke in autumn will always remind me of you.

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Oh look new day
Hello there boy with the motorcycle boots and leather jacket
I hope that we can get to know each other soon