the derailment

This might sound melodramatic, but I feel like, after & since high school, I've gone through a derailment. Am still going through it. The last year & especially last months of high school were amazing, wonderful, possibilities everywhere, on and on and on. And then it ended. I fell into a romantic relationship that was not the one I wanted, and a university that was not the one I had anticipated. There were many times when I did not recognize my own life and was actually quite shocked to see what it looked like.

Now, one thing I can say for myself is that I am not one for regrets most of the time. The only things I regret are things I maybe should have done, and didn't do. But things that I have done, I do not regret because I learn from my mistakes. So, I don't regret the decisions I made that caused my life to be unrecognizable. But it's been a hell of a challenge fixing the derailment.

I have felt mostly lost these past months. It's been really, really difficult to find a sense of purpose, dreams or ambitions. I'm at school but have no clear goal or reason for being there, other than it's just what you do when you get out of high school. I have at best a lukewarm attitude toward my major. I feel like I'm in a period of creative barrenness. And I am terrified of the future.

For a while there has been this tight, at times almost suffocating panic in my chest, and lately it's been harder than usual to shake it off or calm it down. When I think about the future I get even more panicky. What am I going to do? There are so many things I want to do. Travel the world, see things, learn things, find things, create things. But how, how, how am I going to be able to do this and still have a place to live and health insurance and food and other important things??? I don't want to sacrifice myself and waste my life in a boring, meaningless job.

When I think of the things that used to give me hope and drive... that I can find a way to make it work by going after what I want enough, working hard enough, being confident or outgoing enough... The panic remains. I feel too tired and burnt out to put forth a huge effort. I feel anything but confident. I feel like I've been broken into pieces and carelessly stitched back together and I've still got threads coming undone and buttons falling off.

Gods how I want to shake off this depression. It keeps coming back. I hate it! It's not just a recent thing - it's been on and off mostly my whole life, and it sucks! It drains everything, makes everything look dull and grey, makes me feel like it all isn't worth anything. I need to find a way to fight it.