not a partier

Somewhere in the midst of the whole dating a frat boy / having my heart broken by a frat boy fiasco, I developed some inadequacy issues. I started to think: am I pathetic because I am not a party person? Am I wasting my College Experience? Will I forever be unable to relate to my peers? Am I a thoroughly lame human being? Will I turn into a boring spinster whose deepest sin is the theft of a library book?!

And so on. I tumbled out of the whole violent affair with my self-esteem even more battered than usual. Since the liaison's untimely derailment, I have gone back to feeling lost, bored and boring, stuck. And every Friday night that I stay in, which is, let's face it, 80% of Friday nights, I bombard myself with accusations of patheticness. This also happens when I hang out in bookstores, for example. Some stupid little imp snuck into my mind and started saying: "Hey, did you know that you are 19, not 50? Where's the party?!" And then I start feeling even more pathetic because there is no party that I am invited to.

But this is all POINTLESS and UNTRUE. I am not a party person. It's the truth! I don't like crowds, or very loud noises. My idea of a good party is, say, six close friends sitting round a fireplace drinking chai and talking about books. AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

Maybe I'll make it to a College Party someday, just to see what it's like so I can pass my final judgment. But, the fact that I don't spend my nights at houses with Greek letters on them where drunk college students scrawl highlighter over each other or whatever the hell they do - doesn't make me pathetic. I mean, honestly. Look at that sentence and its inherent logic. I really have to get back my dorky form of confidence.