the search

pain
searing, rising, tears
but it's good for me to feel
this is the root of it all:
my disappointment, my sense of loss & being lost

But part of me wants to hold onto the gaping, searing feeling
because it spurs me into action or a desire for action:
I want to do something with it,
and vividly I am in that place again
when it was April and I couldn't sit still,
not for a single moment,
jumpy and ecstatic with thoughts of him and even more
thoughts of a life that is new
not careworn.

Delicate webby summer sunlight
slanting in lines over green grass
takes me back so easily that I am thankful
while I am crying.

I don't think it's him that I really miss.
Well, maybe.
I miss being infatuated
and meeting new people
and I miss being kissed
so perfectly

If in April you have one perfect day,
one perfect hour,
what do you do in June?