on complicated relationships

Today I ran into
the mother of a former friend.
We exhanged pleasantries
while the younger sister glared at me -
Nothing's secret.
I thought about how the friendship fell apart -
no fight, no words, just a gradual
stumble and fade, when she stopped
talking to me.
Sometimes I still wish she knew
that back then was the time
when I broke up with my boyfriend and
my favorite aunt died and I was too tired
to explain how I couldn't talk to anyone.

And on the other side my ex has finally moved on -
there's another someone I don't talk to,
another relationship that unwound messily.
Sometimes I want to take what's in my head,
dump it out in front of people, and say:
"See, this is the mess
that I have to jump over
before I can fix what's wrong here,"
upon which
the offending party would nod
and say Bitch, you are selfish
and conceited,
but at least I would have made the effort.

tired

Sometimes, I'm sick of it all.
Sitting scribbling about lost chances,
stupid boys who let me down,
and all that other bullshit.
Sometimes I'm even sick of line breaks.

I'm tired of frayed nerve endings in the mornings and how I can't seem to talk to anyone, and not knowing what to do, and sticky heat, and I'm tired of being tired, too. It's that purposeless tiredness: it's not because I'm busy and exhausted, it's because I'm lazy and carrying around the accumulated tiredness of being too bored to even go to sleep.

Reactionary:
My ex has found a new girlfriend and I don't even care, really (I mean I broke his heart and all). It's just that things feel like a contest and too often I feel like I'm losing. I can tally up three sparks of interest and two point five rejections in the past nine months. And he's telling her about that stupid girl who did a stupid girl thing because she was enough of a bitch to be confused about what she wanted.

alphabet poem

From the writing conference crop. In one of the workshops, a suggestion was to write a poem in which each line starts with the next letter of the alphabet. Inexplicably, I started with H. The poem finishes the alphabet from H then loops back upon itself, so that the end (G) leads to the beginning (H). And I skipped X, Y, and Z because... I'm not good enough for X yet. ^^



How dare you not walk through that door any more
I'm sitting here in the same place
Just writing about what could have been. The
kinetic motion of the pen makes me feel less
lonely somehow. I tell the page, not you, one thing:
My stray thoughts still turn to you
no matter what you did to me.

Obsessively I cling to the fragile, delicate
past, drawing out my memory so that the
quick agents of time will never blur a single thought.
Rage and joy can be diluted so easily,
simmering in the back of my mind until the finer
thoughts evaporate, leaving tired essences and
undercooked notions.
Violence and vitriol are
what I feel for you,
along with a shameful dose of envy.

Break my heart and leave me with a longing for
catharsis that won't go away, even when it
descends down into the dull ache of something missing, disguised as
everything, basically.
Falling unexpectedly from your
grace and the springtime carnival - now I can only ask

the search

pain
searing, rising, tears
but it's good for me to feel
this is the root of it all:
my disappointment, my sense of loss & being lost

But part of me wants to hold onto the gaping, searing feeling
because it spurs me into action or a desire for action:
I want to do something with it,
and vividly I am in that place again
when it was April and I couldn't sit still,
not for a single moment,
jumpy and ecstatic with thoughts of him and even more
thoughts of a life that is new
not careworn.

Delicate webby summer sunlight
slanting in lines over green grass
takes me back so easily that I am thankful
while I am crying.

I don't think it's him that I really miss.
Well, maybe.
I miss being infatuated
and meeting new people
and I miss being kissed
so perfectly

If in April you have one perfect day,
one perfect hour,
what do you do in June?

summer lethargy

I never really know what to do with summer. After about a month of no school, summer lethargy sets in, which is one of my most disliked feelings ever. It's feeling lazy and aimless, bored and boring, wondering how other people seem to find summer to be fun. I end up purposelessly browsing the internet, watching reruns on tv, rereading books for the ten thousandth time, contemplating the shortcomings of my wardrobe... etc. Finally I start longing for school to start again, so I can have classes to go to, things to do, not to mention opportunities to scope out cute guys and the feeling that there are possibilities all around and opportunities to learn things, create things, and have fun.

I should probably just get a second job. Right? Right? Gahh. Sometimes I wish that I could just step outside myself, survey the scene from outside, and detachedly force myself to do things, like a puppet. Because I am so indecisive. The idea of making a definite decision about something sends me into such a panic that I end up just not making any decisions and sitting around frozen. I stress myself out so much that eventually I just shut down, and then the lethargy sets in and I find myself doing NOTHING, again.

a realization

I've been thinking about him again. But not in a depressed way, more of an introspective way. Last night I started to get regretful about it again, standing at the top of the stairway, but then suddenly I had this moment where I realized that he is actually not good enough for me - you know, not just theoretically, but really and truly.

To me, bored and sometimes sad and thinking my life is dull, he seemed like he had everything. Forget paradise, he had that big grey frat house with the huge lawn and the trees in bloom. He could drink the nights away and spend his days sleeping on the beach. He had a rented house, five more years than me of being in the world, memories of Europe (well, blurred memories I bet, because of all the alcohol involved!). His life seemed charmed & carefree and I was jealous and wanted a way in.

Well, what he has isn't so great. It's nothing compared to what I want. So there you go. And I'm glad that I've actually realized this, felt it instead of just having to talk myself into believing that I deserve and will get much better than him and the life he has.

summer

The smell of summer will take you by surprise
- when you're standing by the kitchen window, making coffee
then suddenly you catch the light on the green leaves through the screen
and the breeze ruffles past...

It will remind you of:
summers spent reading fantasy novels by the window,
childhood & lemonade stands & rollerblade wheels over the blacktop
The sound of your best friend's laughter
and mulberry trees - always

It will make you want to speed to the ocean
spent saltwater hours there at the glorious edge of the world
where they are having a carnival.
As the sun climbs higher & light grows wider, and
the air is salt & breeze & chlorophyll with sundrenched
lemon-light that brings out all the colors
Today