Three hours of sunlight left and I wasn't sure what to do with them. Nikki had to go home so I dropped her off and drove here to the sea. On the way over, the loneliness set in. Here at the beach on a warm day is supposed to be a place where you are happy, in love, with your friends, laughing in the sun and feeling like this day is forever. It's not quite warm but not too cold and where there are thin clouds white over the pale blue sky, the sea looks greyish. They are putting up a carnival and all the rides are standing still right now.
Why is it that I could only fully convince myself that I am alive when I was with you and your friends at sunset by the river, in the perfectly slanting light and the slow current of the clear water? Why do I only feel like things are right when I have been joyfully shocked like that out of my everyday routine? And how unfair is it to have to rely on other people to come and pull me out of my own life! Other people, who can let me down at any moment, like you did.
Driving by the rental houses in Bonnet, the liquor stores, the restaurants, I felt sad that there is this whole beach-town college life at my own school, and though I'm a student there just as much as anyone else, I don't see how to enter that world. Unless someone else like you comes along and pulls me into it, like you almost did, like you could've done if you'd wanted to.
Why is that world even so attractive? Why am I still scanning crowds for you? Maybe it's because that world, that happens in those little September-to-May rentals and in booze-soaked warm nights and with friends all around all the time - because that world seems to naive me like a place where no one thinks of sorrow, where there's no need for worry. I envy you and them the privilege of having, if only for 4 years, that carefree life, those shades of irresponsibility and immaturity that seem oh so responsible and mature.
Yes, I do envy you that. I've always known sorrow and worry. I can't remember ever being carefree for more than a little while. And no matter how much I seem like I want to hide away, I really want to be seen. I want to be out there in the world. I just don't know how.
There is a boy in a blue jacket standing two broken benches to the right of me. I wonder if his heart is broken or bruised too. If he wishes he could be carefree. I'll never know because he just walked away.
The cold isn't so bad when it's the middle of May by the sea. I felt cold like this when you walked me all the way down the beach. Cold in a way where you know you will be warm again because you are so happy now. But right now it's only the memory of happiness. It was exactly one month ago when I kissed you for the first time. And many other times before the last time, but all on one golden day.
How can I find a way to shake this, feeling like my life isn't going anywhere I want it to go? What can I do by myself to change all this?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment