For a long time I've kind of been going around with the conviction that I'm just not that good at this whole "being a person" thing. Other people seem to have much more of a handle on how to be alive in the world and I feel like I don't have a clue. It doesn't help that I put measurements on things to try to gauge how well / poorly I'm doing, for instance:
I graduated high school two years ago and I still don't have my shit together, have no definite career ambitions and lack direction, oh no!
or,
I broke up with a boyfriend eight months ago and I'm still not in another relationship, oh no!, what is wrong with me?, etc.
or,
I've been living this life for approximately 19.67 years, and I'm still quite afraid of a lot of things and still don't know what all this means, oh no!
or,
I'm a junior in college (HOLY CRAP) and I still get nervous around new people, haven't participated in extracurricular activities, not to mention I don't even know what beer tastes like AND I still haven't been to Europe, OH NO!
Wellll, it is worthless to put such limits, measurements, timetables, etc.etc.etc. on things, because the truth is every experience is valuable and even if you are not where you are 'supposed' to be according to some Theoretical Life Plan... you can't plan these things. Go with the flow, learn from where you are, and whatnot. But that still doesn't stop me from panicking whenever I realize, HEY, I'm not where I thought I would be. But where is that, even?
I think I have to let go of a lot of the old expectations, ways of measuring success, and all that crap. There's a voice in my head that's part me at age seventeen, part my favorite teachers in high school, and part everyone who has ever hurt me or let me down, and that voice says: "I think you're failing. Come on, prove to me you're worth something. What've you got?" The voice also says silly things like, "You should've gone to Wheaton!" as though that would make me feel like a success.
If I actually look at where I am now it's not bad at all and some parts are actually quite wonderful. That doesn't mean there isn't plenty of room for improvement & new experiences though. I just have to stop beating myself up about where I'm Supposed To Be, and be where I am, moving toward where I want to be.
1 comment:
Keep moving onward and go after what makes you happy! That is where you will find your goals for the future and maybe, somehow, a trip to Europe ;-D We NEED to get you some way to come with me on the URI in England '09. How's that for a goal? Or maybe that was already your goal in some deeper part of yourself <(^^)> in which case the question you should stop asking yourself is why I DON'T have these wants and needs and focus more on asking HOW to get these wants and needs.
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