scribbled in journal today

You were the first one in a while to make me feel desired, sought after, sexy, grown-up. I usually go through the world doe-eyed, always looking like I have no clue where I am going and like I'm afraid to ask for directions. When you wanted me, I walked around with confidence even when you weren't there. Everyone I passed, I wanted them to know that I had you and you had me.

You gave me my lost confidence back. Then you stopped calling and my assurance went away. Without you, I slunk through the world, not wanting to be seen, only wanting to catch a glimpse of you amongst the crowd and get some explanation that would allow me to stop feeling undesirable.

I've been desired before. I've been wanted then let down. I've been loved and I've broken hearts. I've desired or even loved some who have not returned the feeling. It's my history and I want to write it down because it's one of the most important things.

I said at first that having a boyfriend right now would be too much stress and worry. I am so good at lying to myself. The calling and the waiting, the coexisting ecstasy of anticipation and constant fear of disappointment, the wondering, the deliciously unbearable inability to think of anything else... I convinced myself and my friends that I didn't want that. Liar, liar. The truth is, it's what I live for. Every time it's absolute magic. Unlike anything. The best thing.

How could I tell the lie that I didn't want that? Because I still felt sad and tired back then, grey and worn-out. Not anymore. Your beautiful eyes looking at me gave me something back, something precious that I had lost or thrown away by accident. I have to thank you for that. Your desire dusted away all the dirt and cobwebs and now I am new.

Even though you broke my heart. Maybe a crack is what it needed, ecstasy then shatterglass, even though it hurts. Your desire may not be there now, but it once was there and, if only for a moment, it was all for me. I can always keep that. And I am not going to stay broken. I feel the healing starting now. I've been shocked by joy into waking up and cracked wide open.