school?!

School tomorrow? What? -_- I do not want to go back. Consolations are having class with a friend for the first time since high school, a stack of graphic novels for that class, new clothes and a pw bag, and a new set of drawing pens for elaborate doodling.

Especially this year I've basically given up on the idea of college as an Amazing Experience like it was supposed to be. Most of the time I feel disconnected from the place and indifferent to much of the subject matter. I'm an English major but I still don't like literary analysis. I'm really, really glad I did not go to an expensive school, otherwise I would be plagued by guilt about wasting so much money. As it is, it costs practically nothing and I must wait until it is over and try to make the best of it while I'm there. I've very much disliked school since the first day of kindergarten so I shouldn't have expected this would be any different.

Last semester school was pretty good at assuaging the depression. Sitting in a classroom with blue carpets and clean windows with people talking about books made me feel like the world was normal. When lately I have tended to view the world as a worrisome place, the edge of a cliff. In school I can pretend to be a Good Student, pretend that I know what I'm doing, and feel like I'm doing something worthwhile - never mind that I'm usually not doing anything I consider worthwhile at school. It's a good illusion.

AHH OH STOP. I just sunk into negativity again and it came out in melodramatic writing. STOP THERE. Today I am going to be happy. Today I am going to make strange collages on my school notebooks while playing good music. And go outside and look at the trees.