I haven't felt like writing at all the past few days. The thought has actually kind of been quite disagreeable. Which is unusual. It's mostly because I've been pretty depressed and haven't felt like doing anything at all but sitting around wasting time, while simultaneously being down on myself for not having any energy or drive. Why am I depressed? It's a shockingly simple reason especially coming from me. Last fall a very close family member passed away. My aunt. And it's selfish for me to be depressed like this... My mom lost her sister and she still tries to be happy and help others... My cousin lost her mother and she still tries to have a positive attitude.
But me? I pretend to be fine in front of everyone else but I spend a lot of time feeling like crap inside. I'm not always pretending... sometimes I really think I'm fine. But then it sneaks up on me again. And eventually the layer of pretending wears thin and I have to admit to myself that I feel like crap. Whine whine whine. SHUT THE FUCK UP... is what I should end up yelling at myself. I waste so much time having pseudo existential crises, fancying I can see the abyss yawning and yadda yadda yadda. I have a predisposition to privately falling apart.
And I'm meant to be the creative sort, right? Don't other people find solace in their art whatever it is? I've written some stories that came directly from this depression. The abandoned theatre helped. But then I hit a wall. And now I am slumped at the bottom of the wall. In a desperate effort to make myself do something when I feel like creativity ran away from me, I dug out my ancient guitar and started trying to teach myself to play it. And honest to God I almost impulse-bought a viola for $350 the other night. I ran through the list of things I do, writing at the top then art, found none of them appealing and decided why the hell not try to learn a new art. I am just desperate to DO SOMETHING, to MOVE, to get energy and excitement for life back again.
And I think this is the most honest thing I have written in a long time.
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2 comments:
honesty is the best. <(^^)>
Don't get down just because you can't write at the moment. It really just should be a myth that "TRUE ARTISTS" go into a meddened frenzy of art and such and produce fabulous works out of the trauma. I don't believe it happens that way. I don't want it to be that way. It has been my experience that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger (blantantly put that is). Don't take this the wrong way... but don't write if you don't want to. DON'T FORCE THE PASSION OR THE INSPIRATION. After the war is fought the memoirs are written. And the memoirs are written by those who survived.
I too feel the same as well. We both are going through hard times.
In time the theatre will resume. In time...
I've said that too many... times...
You've inspired my newest post.
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