confusion

fallen apart.
ragged ends.
tired eyes and grating nerves.
exhaustion.
the night terror.
the sadness.
the envy.
the yearning for whoknowswhat.

Back in high school I had very vague goals. Get Into College was one and it was assumed that stuff would fall into place after that. Wrong. I feel like college is only a layover. Waiting at a boring airport for your flight to come in, sitting around reading magazines or walking to the coffee shops. More pointless work.

But I tolerate the layover, the stalemate because it is safe. I don't have to go out into the real world yet and get a real job and find out how to pay for an apartment and food and insurance and AHH. I can stay dependent and safe with the excuse of being a College Student which doesn't mean much to me other than an excuse to put things off. The degree I'll get means nothing to me other than a way of getting some not-miserable job to pay the bills while I am trying to do what I really want to do.

Now I have better goals like these: finish my short story collection by the end of this year, submit writings for publication...

something is missing. There is a big hole. I spend the days circling around the edge of the hole. Being paid at my job to be bored and be polite to people for some hours. Listening to music while doing laundry and envying the lives of the musicians. Going outside and trying to feel like I'm part of the world...

but I don't know which world it is that I want to be a part of. I usually make my own world. It gets lonely sometimes and it makes me forget how to talk to people. Not like I ever really knew how to do that well... at least not to most people.

I need... something. but what.