the afterglow

In the after-storm brightness
the hush of tires on a wet road &
rufflefeather birdcalls from the
wet green leaves,
grey light
in the sky and the puddles
(that hold telephone lines and
faraway lands)

When I don't know what to do, lately,
I do something else:
put on some music & make coffee, or chai,
pick up a book,
put on some heels,
look forward to things
or not think about things at all -
and most of the time I am glad

And autumn is coming closer,
I think I can already feel it-
in the thought of wet leaves on the sidewalk,
friendly ghosts may be shaking my hand
under lamp-posts, and
the music for the end-of-summer festival
is right now being written

Think about something good, now -
a lightening, a hand-holding,
and the world through the window-panes,
changing as it's always been.
If ever I am sad I think
that this was a misstep, nothing more -
a set of lines uncrossing themselves.
Save it,
the moment -
and it will always linger, softly,
warmly in the afterglow

carnival

You+I must know
that I actually love this (mess)
this glory -

Last night running into the ocean in the darklight moonlight, salty jumping over waves & spray splashing, salt&seawater and the trail of glowing moonlight on the living moving ocean - laughter and sneaking up with seaweed

Sitting by the window playing Belle & Sebastian while my mom & 2nd cousin play cribbage in the dining room

The prospect of a movie and snacks later

Three books of e. e. cummings poetry & essays in the living room on loan from the library

Buying candy and going to the movies

You must know
That I still view the world as a carnival after everything, the battered broken time and the scary thoughts and the darkest things and disappointments-
even through the restlessness, the laziness, the feeling of not-going-anywhere and scared-of-moving-forward,
and yes the heartbreak mostly,
It's still a lightsoundfilled carnival with colors in the trees & sunlightpatterns and the road can still lead anywhere I know it,
there are still treasures & gold and salty seaweed nights
And the ferris wheel outside of the abandoned theatre can show you the sky,
you know

july: a loveletter

Dear July you never told me that I would be so
lonely
on your warmly sunshine days
& that the sunlight patterns would swirl
under my feet while I walked, but only
make me feel dizzy.
That Past-regrets & Worn-out Sorrows
would eat so many of my thoughts -
And of course, Worry about the Future,
and my state of being - what
boyfriendless? & invitationless
The weight of not leaving

But after all I have come so far
since January,
patching up the holes and cigarette burns,
nursing bad memories, then Quarantine.
I got a shock of life in
April,
halfasleep in lemonyellow light &
his kisses that tasted like beer&saltwater-
I have after all come so far since
April,
trudging trailing summerlight after me
disappointment stuck to my heart
wet grass stuck to my feet

Time
to announce
that I love you, day

july

Dear July you never told me that I would be so
lonely
on your warmly sunshine days
& that the sunlight patterns would swirl
under my feet while I walked, but only
make me feel dizzy.
That Past-regrets & Worn-out Sorrows
would eat so many of my thoughts -
And of course, Worry about the Future,
and my state of being - what
boyfriendless? & invitationless
The weight of not leaving

sparrow

Sparrow-
girl I have been thinking about you
again, as I often do in summer.
Thinking about you & how you broke all
our hearts, strung up on a
daisy chain,
erratically
skippingbeats

(You twirled on the
trampoline,
off cen-
ter swinging your
thin arms, and those
wide brown eyes blinking quick-
ly then you gave me
your coat & we
skippedstones)

You threw me off-ba-
lance then c-
caught
me

laughing.

The words, the poems.
The moon-
light over the pond &
the sun-
set over the bridge You
got me lost then
we played music quite loudly
But then You lost your-
self
So

Maybe
this is one of
those wounds
that never
fully heals

not a partier

Somewhere in the midst of the whole dating a frat boy / having my heart broken by a frat boy fiasco, I developed some inadequacy issues. I started to think: am I pathetic because I am not a party person? Am I wasting my College Experience? Will I forever be unable to relate to my peers? Am I a thoroughly lame human being? Will I turn into a boring spinster whose deepest sin is the theft of a library book?!

And so on. I tumbled out of the whole violent affair with my self-esteem even more battered than usual. Since the liaison's untimely derailment, I have gone back to feeling lost, bored and boring, stuck. And every Friday night that I stay in, which is, let's face it, 80% of Friday nights, I bombard myself with accusations of patheticness. This also happens when I hang out in bookstores, for example. Some stupid little imp snuck into my mind and started saying: "Hey, did you know that you are 19, not 50? Where's the party?!" And then I start feeling even more pathetic because there is no party that I am invited to.

But this is all POINTLESS and UNTRUE. I am not a party person. It's the truth! I don't like crowds, or very loud noises. My idea of a good party is, say, six close friends sitting round a fireplace drinking chai and talking about books. AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

Maybe I'll make it to a College Party someday, just to see what it's like so I can pass my final judgment. But, the fact that I don't spend my nights at houses with Greek letters on them where drunk college students scrawl highlighter over each other or whatever the hell they do - doesn't make me pathetic. I mean, honestly. Look at that sentence and its inherent logic. I really have to get back my dorky form of confidence.