reflection

I started reading this blog's old entries tonight because I was feeling bored and too lazy to really do much. But it ended up being interesting. I started exactly a year ago, last January, and met a rush of memories about how depressed I was then. Being happy now, that sadness was something I didn't want to remember. That depression still feels like something waiting to come out of the past and swallow me, even though I know it's not true.

The really interesting thing was looking at how I wrote so much about being aimless. Not having concrete goals, not knowing what to do with my life and feeling stagnant all the time. Now, I haven't suddenly developed definite ambitions and I still don't know what to do with my life in the sense of having a place I want to be in so many years, what I want to be doing for a job, etc. But I'm okay with that now. And I didn't even really realize that until I read the old entries and realized that it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't feel stagnant now, I actually feel like there's just an opening of possibilities, that wouldn't be there if I were interested in precisely planning my life (or even the next few years).

The boyfriend has had a positive influence on me in this way because he has a worry-free attitude of living in the present. The other night I was talking to him about how I get worried about college ending, and he said, "The future is worth thinking about, worth planning for, but not worth worrying about," and told me to just focus on now: junior year. Instead of jumping ahead of myself to next year when it's not time. He also has a philosophy that now is forever; don't dwell on the past or the future. I used to live primarily in the past, in fear of the future, not noticing the present. But now I think I'm learning to live in the present.

Then I felt this warm feeling of being glad for now, that I'm different from how I was this time last year, exponentially happier.