stuck, stuck, stuck

Here I am feeling broken again. It snuck up on me and then another heartbreak pushed me over the edge. Damn it. It's a pain that has to do with watching other people's lives change & improve and feeling like mine is stagnant, like somewhere I just fucked up and now I've got this stuck feeling. I'm sick of staying at home, sick of being disappointed and still single, just sick and tired of things.

There's been a depression around the edges for the past year. Exactly one year ago today, my Auntie Janice died. Around this time of night, too. Today I bought a white candle and I'm going to light it later, since I feel like I have do something. I know my parents are thinking about it, but not saying anything (the style of our family).

And there's just my kind of tendency toward melancholy, but desperate desire to be happy. And, you know, the old anxiety problem.

I've just wanted someone to make things better, fix my messy self, not even fix it necessarily, just tell me it's okay, just be there. So whenever a guy comes along, I think maybe he'll be the one to do that. And all of them, they're not there, they just disappear. They end up thinking I'm a crazy bitch, I'm overeager, I'm needy, I'm clingy. What the fuck. I'm sick of it!!!

I've learned a lot, I guess... Like how it's easier to find a guy to go home with than it is to find one who will return your phone calls. Greek letters = not a good sign, generally. Half-drunk/stoned kisses on sea cliffs don't mean as much as you think they did. If he likes you, he shouldn't forget about you. etc.

I've found a lot of short-term cures for this ... not exactly depressed, just stuck feeling. Including but not limited to: long drives, loud music, plans, shoe shopping, schoolwork, vodka...

But what's the permanent cure? How can I get better, how can I change?